The Downside of Unconscious Empath
Updated: Feb 20, 2020
I’ve discovered that I am an Empath not so long ago. A few years ago as a matter of fact. I had never even heard of the term before.
Well, I also know that it’s actually nothing special. Or should I say that we are ALL special?
Yes, because we all have this ability. Some are more conscious of it than others. In my case, I have always been completely unconscious.
Now that I am familiar with the term, I started remembering how I had such a hard time just being in a crowded place, eating in public, sometimes just getting out the door seemed like a big deal for no apparent reason (at that time). I had heard of the term like "social anxiety" and “sensitive”, or just simply "high maintenance" according to my boyfriend at the time. So I thought I was one of those and just called it a day. I remember not wanting to go see a movie in a theater, especially if it's a movie that I really cared about. Because... I always could sense what the people around me were feeling during the movie (especially if they are people I care about) and I could not ignore them. It used to just ruin my movie experience so consequently, I avoided big theaters. Well again, my boyfriends at the times always thought that I was "high maintenance", "over sensitive" and a "drama queen". Yah.
Oh, I also couldn't watch any so-called "Reality Shows” not only because I felt too much of what they were feeling but also I could see what goes on BEHIND the production scene. It was too much overload of deception, rigging, humiliation covered bravado.
I also could not participate in MOST conversations with MOST people because I somehow sensed inauthenticity and laziness in words, phrases and sentences used and felt they were robotic and just-filling-the-space. Let alone they say one thing and mean another… They seemed be saying things, telling stories that they already predicted what the reactions and returning words and response would be. They were seemingly deliberately saying things that they could expect what the responding words would be. And they all seemed to be satisfied with the exact responses they got. And that is what they were calling “conversations” and it annoyed me. I could not help but be offended by it and show how I felt (usually by rolling my eyes or sighing…) or just simply disengage myself so that I don’t have to be affected by it. THOSE were my coping methods… I also was completely ignorant the fact that I, too was speaking words and meaning another autonomously…I know, I was quite underdeveloped…
And Ugh, people called me "a snob" and “judgmental” for that. Well, THE TRUTH IS that I WAS judgmental and completely IGNORANT. I didn’t know better. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what judgment meant or did. I was just unconscious all around. Seriously, sorry.
At one point, I even started to mimic the predicting-program-conversational methods to feel “accepted” and even got great pleasure out of them. It DID feel great to get such “agreeable” response every time even though I ALREADY KNEW that is exactly the response already programmed. So I used it a lot and still catch myself use it. It’s OK. You can do it, too as long as you are aware and harming no none (that includes you). Sometimes all we need is to simply “connect” to one another without any other agenda. And I think that is how the “small talks” were invented. Maybe.
Another thing that I’ve realized recently was one of my reasons for not speaking up or not expressing my ideas or never being the one to teach some new ideas even if I come up one.
I hesitated and often terminated any of my expressions because whenever I was close to doing that, I always saw that people, EVERYBODY already possessed the information that I was about to express.
I saw that they’ve been there, done that (and my ego adds words like “better than me” or “more than me” “I’m not original enough.” “It’s too late.” “It’s been done already.” Oh, our lovely voice of ego, but that’s another topic) and so WHO AM I TO be the one repeating the idea? Well, that’s how I felt so I shut up.
BUT HERE IS WHAT I REALIZED: